I went to the three hour block yesterday. As they passed the roll around in priesthood, I noticed that there were no check-marks next to my name…at all. And the roll covered since September.
I haven’t missed it. Nor really, has the ward missed me. Oh, the members are friendly enough, but after the young bishop was informed by “someone” that I am a potential threat, I sense marginalization.
I am unworthy.
At least in the assessment of the LDS church.
And therein is the problem.
You see, a healthy sense of self is the most important thing we possess. To be “whole” is to recognize who I am, who you are, and how we can be both unique in our individuality and yet One in relationship.
To have “worth” is to recognize my unique identity: What makes me uniquely me? And yet, my personal worth, while unique, exists only in relationship: What makes you uniquely you, and how does that relate to me?
This concept of “unique identity” is a paradox: “Identity” means how we are the same-as. I say, “I am a Mormon,” and it means I am the same-as other Mormons. I say, “I am a man,” and it means that I am the same-as other men. I can add many such identifiers to myself, and when I identify myself with this set, it describes who I am: I am the “same-as” this, that, and the other…
This sense of sameness is comforting. We “fit” into the group of people who share the same identifying attributes. But “same-as” does not identify “me” or “you” as a unique individual. My uniqueness — my individual self — places me as a valuable member of the group: I have a place here, not as just a member, but someone unique.
I have personal worth, because I not only conform to the same-as group identity, but have a unique contribution.
I am worthy…
And as I understand how I am both the same-as and unique, I recognize how others in my group are *equally* same-as and unique.
I am worthy, and so are you.
This is what it means to have a healthy personal identity. We have an intellectual and emotional sense that:
– we are unique in our individuality, yet
– we share common values with others, and
– we accept and appreciate the uniqueness of others
This is the *whole* self: who am I, who are you, and how do we relate in Love as One. It is the supreme ultimate — unity among diversity — our Unique Identity.
Mormonism, more than most other religions, seeks to deeply control the development and expression of our identity.
We begin by singing “I am a child of God,” and our doctrine — unique among Christians — declares that our “intelligence” is coeternal with God. As well we accept that through the atonement of Christ, we are not fallen mankind, but rather, intrinsically good. We are born with the light of Christ, and we have the potential to have the Holy Ghost, a member of the godhead, dwell within us as our constant companion. We are gods in embryo, infinite in potential. We are in the middle of our glorious eternal lives.
Such doctrines are incredibly powerful: they can serve as the basis of developing a very positive sense of personal identity.
But.
You have to be “worthy.”
This is where Mormon identity formation goes seriously astray, for Mormonism defines your ideal self only as being obedient to the extrinsic attributes of the Mormon identity: if you don’t conform to the group, you are not worthy.
And this pressure is part of every aspect of the correlated curriculum. Indeed, correlation itself is designed to eliminate uniqueness. It focuses on how our *group* — our Church — is unique and better than others: the only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth. Our worth as individuals is thus only possible to the extent which we identify and conform with the group: our intrinsic sense of self is unwelcome if it conflicts with the Mormon Identity in any way.
Growing up in Mormon families, conformance to the group identity is demanded at all levels. Personal identity exploration is forbidden as it applies to the core of who we are, leading to Mormons having a higher percentage of “foreclosed” identities: that is, we accept the conferred definition of who we are without question, never really choosing for ourselves whether being Mormon is who we truly are.
For to even question our Mormon identity is to be branded as “unworthy.”
This is not healthy. This is not the whole self. I can be uniquely me only in as far as I obey and completely submit myself to the Mormon culture.
And here we are, amidst what we call a “faith crisis,” when in fact we are in a deep identity crisis; for because our culture has never allowed us to freely explore and form our own unique identity, we no longer know who we are.
And if that isn’t painful enough, because we question, we are marginalized by our fellow members and leaders, who see us now as the “other” within a “we are so much better than others” narrative.
It occurs to me that this is a game, played by religion to manipulate and control adherents. It’s a game without winners, and the stakes are not only eternal life, but any kind of joy in this life.
It’s the Worthiness Game.
And often, the only winning move is not to play.
But what do we do?
As it turns out, “identity crisis” is a natural part of life. As we move from early childhood through adolescence into adulthood, parenting, career, and old age, we go through a series of identity crises, as we transform our *selves* to adapt to the changing conditions of life.
Often, the most important phase of this is adolescence, when we form our mature sense of self by questioning the identity of our upbringing and exploring who we are, then choosing an identity where we feel a sense of *worth* and value: we are unique, yet same-as, and we can grant to others the same choice.
Because our Mormon upbringing has forestalled this sense of open exploration, because we utterly reject any alternative religious identity as being ok, we do not have the personal identity maturity to handle challenges to our Mormon identity. As we go into faith crisis, our sense of identity collapses. We never really developed our faith identity.
And yet this is the work we must do. We must develop our own faith identity.
It’s the same process a caterpillar goes through to become a butterfly.
And it has NOTHING to do with worth. We are worthy, before, during, and after (if there is an after) our “faith crisis.”
And yet, it is very hard work. We will be marginalized by the believing culture. The Worthiness Game — so well implemented in the form of the Temple Recommend interview — is constantly held over our head, affecting our ability to explore.
And if we discover that our personal identity cannot conform to the Mormon Identity, specifically, for example, because we cannot conform our sexual identity to the policy-driven Mormon ideal, then we find our *selves* forever unworthy.
We must, above all, take care of our emotional health.
1. We must discover who we truly are: what is my unique identity? This often means stepping back from the group and deconstructing the identity norms forced upon us by the culture.
This is essential, yet very disruptive. It places us firmly in stage four of Fowler’s faith development, and tends to alienate us from the group. It’s where the Worthiness Game is playing hardest against us.
In my experience, the only winning move is not to play the Worthiness Game in the midst of deconstruction. Don’t grant anyone the right to judge your journey. This is especially true of the TR interview and “worthiness” for callings.
If we know that god has deemed us “worthy,” then we have no need to explore whether we are worthy with someone else.
2. We must find our group identity. We must find our “peeps.” We need support on the journey. This is to reconstruct not only our personal faith, but to find a healthy relationship with others who can support who we truly are.
This is the reason for Waters of Mormon Support Group. Here is where we seek to find commonality in wherever we are. It’s a refuge from the storm, where we share love and ideas as to how to walk this Way.
But this group is not enough — we need in-person experiences with our family and culture. We are not meant to be an alternative to religious community — an “alt-Church” as it were, but rather a place for support amid the journey as we engage constructively in faith community.
No church is perfect, and church cannot be the source of our “worth.” But it can be the place where we find shared values, provided the toxicity of the Worthiness Game does not kill our spirit.
The rituals of religion evolved to help humans develop a sense of belonging. We are One as we partake of the Sacrament and contemplate a higher power in the person of Jesus Christ. Indeed, he said, “whenever two or three are gathered in my Name, there I AM in the midst of you.”
In our Christian and Mormon tradition, this sense of Christ being the glue that unites us as One is the very essence of the Atonement. We embrace the Atonement not as a payment to a vengeful god who must have payment for our sins, but rather, as simple “Love” — that which connects us, and commands us to love one another, to be One with each other and Christ in exactly the same way the Christ is One with the Father.
By virtue of THIS atonement of Love, we unique individuals become identified by a new name, “I AM” — the ultimate, universal Identity.
3. We must honor the journey of others. The fact that we are transforming our identity into something different should not lead us to have contempt for those who have traditional beliefs, even if they are marginalizing us.
The butterfly is no better than the caterpillar.
Instead, we realize that while we are unique and different, we have equal, infinite worth. As we come to realize who we truly are, the “I AM” of our Core, Unique Identity, we must fully embrace that this does not entitle us to be God *over* someone else. I AM, and so are YOU.
And therein is the answer to our Worthiness. Remember, the worth of souls is great in the eyes of god. We are infinite in worth — all of us, unique yet equally infinite in worth.
Our “worthiness” is not conferred to us by others, nor can we be in the business of measuring and being measured as “worthy.” There is no game to be played here. We are all divine beings in the midst of a beautiful Journey.
And realizing this, we become One in Love.
I am worthy.
We are worthy.
We are One.