So, you’re in the middle of your faith crisis. You’ve discovered that some of your beliefs aren’t quite what you thought they were. The rest of your family and friends may have noticed you don’t have the same enthusiasm for these beliefs you once did.
What should you share with them?
Often, people who discover problems with their Church come to a point that they want to share all the problems they’ve discovered with their believing friends. This often has catastrophic consequences.
Yet, we want to share. We need to share…something.
Might I suggest a few ideas?
1. That which is written, cannot be unwritten. We are on a faith journey, with a destination yet to be discovered — in many cases, the journey IS the destination. Thus, whatever we write right now, may not be true in the same way tomorrow. Unfortunately, that which is written becomes a fixed reality in the minds of the receivers.
2. Any discussion of our faith journey, if uninvited, becomes an act that can have the effect of changing another person. The facts of Mormonism are such that most believers cannot reconcile the facts with their beliefs — thus to present facts necessarily has an adverse reaction to beliefs. If a believer invites us to share, that is one thing — then we have the ability to share with others in love. If they don’t invite us to share, then our act can often be met with hostility. We need to let compassion guide what and how we share, and with whom.
3. I personally believe that deconstruction — complete and total deconstruction — is absolutely essential to our faith journey. Rene Descartes suggested this kind of “methodical doubt” as a means to get to truth, but in the short term, it means doubting EVERYTHING. However, as we deconstruct, we will take positions that are quite disturbing to believers. Our work is not done. Take, for example, Jesus Christ. A faithful deconstruction of belief may require us to question whether Jesus is divine — this does not mean that we have *concluded* that Jesus is not divine, but rather, we are examining our beliefs. Such a question is unthinkable to the average member, and will by itself alienate us from all other believers in a New York minute (i.e.instantly). So while I absolutely support deconstructing our beliefs, I truly think that this deconstruction should only be shared with those who understand this process, and not with believers — they cannot help you, and more often than not, sharing our deconstruction is destructive to relationships.
4. There is a framework for discussing what we are going through, in the context of scriptural thought. While Mormons often talk about the “trial of faith” as a test that will cause us to doubt, and to pass the “test,” we must dispel our doubts, the actual scriptural concept is more like “refinement,” as in how gold or silver is refined. To me, if I need to explain to someone who is a believer what I have been going through (for almost 30 years now), I will use the term, “I am going through an amazing journey, where my faith is being refined — “the Refiner’s Fire” as it were. I’m learning the real meaning of love, patience, and faith…and in order for me to best do this, I probably need a little space to work things out. Thanks for understanding — just know that I love you and appreciate your kindness and support, but this is something I really need to work through. If I need your help, I’ll ask. Just keep me in your prayers.”
5. When sharing with believers, it’s always best to find common grounds: Love, Service, Divine Nature, Kindness, Charity/Agape, and most of all, “Faith,” which ought to be seen as “not perfect knowledge” — in other words, Faith is not certainty, but rather a “hope” about things “not seen,” but that must be “true.” So while I no longer share a believer’s certainty, I can find common ground in how we love one another, how important our family is to us, how we serve one another, etc. Believers see faith transition as a relationship transition away from the tribe. Our goal in sharing should be to help them understand that we love, respect, and honor our family relationships.
6. Choose your battles carefully. What is important for them to know? If you no longer are going to church, or if you are going through a time when a child is not going to be baptized on schedule, or if you cannot attend a family wedding due to not having a recommend — then something should be shared. It’s only fair to do so. But to present the whole litany of church issues — a la CES letter — that isn’t going to help. At. All.
7. Never get angry or hurt. The moment we lose our compassion in sharing, we cannot continue to share in any way that creates a positive outcome. If you feel angry or hurt, it’s best just to apologize, and set aside the topic for now. If you feel any kind of anger or hurt, it will show — you can’t hide these feelings. If someone says something that hurts, you can and should simply say that what they said hurts you, and it’s best that we set it aside for now, so that we can better pick it up when we’re not feeling hurt.
8. Boundaries. Theirs, and ours. No one has the right to dictate what we need to do with regard to religion. We cannot be forced into exaltation or church existence. They have their beliefs and worldview — and it’s not our job to change that, unless they invite us. Likewise, we have our doubts and worldview, and its not their job to fix that, thank you very much.
9. Love. Unconditional, absolute love. Read 1 Corinthians 13. Then read it again. And again.
“Charity (agape — godly love) never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
And now abideth faith, hope, LOVE, these three; but the greatest of these is LOVE.